#anyways i just needed to vent a lil bit. now im better and came back to 'i dont fucking care' mood. so im fine.

[epistemofili]

Ayyee haunted by amatonormativity hour

[billy-batson]

"Here's a hint: I'm not telling you" or "Alright im gonna go cry" (or combined bc that has comedic potential) with Steve-O ❤❤❤

 prompt: also asked by anon: “Alright, I’m gonna go cry” w/ Steve

pairing: steve harrington x reader

rated: t for teen

warnings: cursing here and there

word count: 2647

read it on ao3

Winter time. Winter brought three–no, four good things: holiday season, new years celebration, cold weather, and, of course, your and Steve’s anniversary.

It had only been a year (god, it felt so much longer), since the two of you had begun as an actual thing; since you had become a real couple. The start had been…confusing at first, but after the first date, things had gone smoothly for you both.

As you baked his favorite type of cake from scratch, stirring the mix together as you dropped blue  and red food coloring into the bowl, you reminisced on how you’d both gotten to the point that you were at, now–with him driving down from his university an hour away to visit you.

You had met in science class, grouped together in a lab assignment with two other people: a stoner who clearly wasn’t interested in doing anything, and a quiet, shy girl who wasn’t going to do anything. He had been working on his personal essay for university all throughout class, leaving you to be the leader of the group. 

“Okay, then,” you said aloud after five minutes of silence, the stoner staring out into space, the quiet girl looking down at the table, and Steve, who everyone and their mother knew, nearly banging his head against the table in frustration as he tried to string sentences together to make them somewhat coherent. “I’m Y/N,” you offered, attempting to start conversation among them. The silence stretched on as no one else said anything. “Alright.”

“What’s another word for ‘being a winner’?” Steve had interjected, not looking up from his paper.

“Uh…successful?” you offered, and he mumbled out a quick thanks before returning to his writing. “No problem,” you sighed, knowing that this class would undoubtedly be total and utter crap because of the group you were now forced to work with every time there’s a lab. Dandy.

“We’re uh, introducing each other, right?” Steve said, glancing up from his writing quickly, “I’m Steve.”

That’s practically a given, you thought to yourself silently, but noticed as the quiet girl began to speak. “I’m Amy,” she said softly, her voice sounding unsteady, as though she were underwater.

“Todd,” the stoner said, waving a hand, as though they all couldn’t quite see him. “Fair warning, but lunch is right before this class and lunch time is break time, so I’ll probably be a crap partner anyway–”

“Well, we’re stuck together,” Steve had huffed, “So try to…skip a day or two when we have labs, okay? Don’t think it’d be smart to lose a limb over getting high.”

Todd’s eyes widened, “We can lose a limb in here?!”

Steve gave him a shrug, “I mean, anything can happen when you’re high and working with chemicals. Could even go blind.”

“Oh maaan, really?” Todd asked, collapsing in his seat. 

Steve nodded as though this was a one hundred percent proven fact, “Absolutely,” he said, looking to you and winking. 

Winking?

You couldn’t have been sure that it had even happened until it had, but you decided not to question it. Either way, he had helped you. Even though it was in a small way, it had worked.

You’d interacted throughout the month of September and October every so often that senior year in class and during labs, but you didn’t really know him, know him. You did know that he was better at science than he was at writing, and he was actually really nice, something that you hadn’t been expecting. You didn’t really believe the rumors that the popular jock Steve Harrington had changed from how he was before, but it seemed like they were true. He had changed, and you supposed that there was Nancy to thank for that.

Nancy Wheeler was a good girl. Nice, sweet–didn’t really talk to people outside of her social circle except for Jonathan Byers who, you supposed, she got along well with because her brother was best friends with his brother. He was the only exception.

You’d had a chance to really talk to Steve alone, though, for the first time, at the halloween party. The night had still been going strong, but it had been winding down for you. You’d gone out to the backyard to get a breath of fresh air, away from the smell of sweat and teenage boys and the faint smell of vomit, and were quickly met by noneother than–

“Steve,” you’d said softly, noticing that he was seated against the side of the house, his gaze watching the blue of the pool behind the fence. “What are you doing out here?” you asked curiously.

“Oh,” he said, “Y/N. Didn’t think a party like this was your kind of scene.”

“Yeah, well…” you sighed, sitting down next to him, crossing your legs. “It’s not. But I figured hey, it’s senior year. Might as well do one of the stereotypical teenage crap adults always say we do.”

“Yeah? Like what?” he asked curiously, to which you chuckled and shrugged.

“Like…uh. Get drunk, go to some…party thrown by some rich girl who’s parents are away for the weekend. Dance with some boys. That kinda stuff, I guess,” you said, tucking your hair behind your ear.

“Huh,” he mused quietly before turning to look at you. “And have you done it?”

You raised an eyebrow, “Wait, what?”

“The list,” he said, “The ‘stereotypical things’.”

“Oh,” you said, feeling slightly embarrassed that your mind immediately went to another matter. “uh, can’t say that I’m drunk. Buzzed maybe. The drinks here aren’t that good anyway.”

“Yup,” Steve agreed, and you glanced back at him.

“And what about you? Have you done any stereotypical teenage things at this party?” you asked curiously.

“Well, I, uh–” he laughed, the sound coming out loud and harsh, “Can’t say it’s stereotypical, but I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I’m pretty sure she wants us to break up.” He’s quiet for a moment as he realized that the words were out in the air now, and he couldn’t call them back. “So there’s that.”

“Shit,” you huffed, shifting in your seated spot. “Sorry, Steve.”

“Nah,” he waved it off. “Nothing anyone can do ‘bout it. Been a long time coming, I think.” 

You didn’t say anything, feeling as though it wasn’t your place to speak. He seemed to want to vent, in any case.

“She said she didn’t love me,” he continued, “That whatever we have–had?–is bullshit.”

Yikes.

“Jesus,” you sighed. “That sucks.”

“Yeah,” he stated, “Yeah. It sucks.” He went silent for a moment and said in a deadpan tone, “I think I’m drunk.”

You laughed at that, “Yeah, I think so, too.”

He laughed along with you, almost self deprecatingly, you think, and he says, “My girlfriend probably wants to break up and here I am, drunk and laughing about it. That seems fucked up to me, is it fucked up to you?”

“Just a bit,” you tell him, a wide smile on your face. “Just a lil.”

“Christ, what happened to your face?” you questioned a few days later when you had a lab together. He had bruises just about everywhere, and you’re pretty sure that he has two black eyes.

“An asshole happened,” he huffed, almost collapsing into his chair across from you as the other students came into class. 

“Yeah, well,” you said, your tone deadpan, “You look like shit.”

“Oh, well thanks,” Steve said sarcastically. 

“Hair’s still good, though,” you say to him, slightly perplexed, “Oddly enough.”

“My hair is always good,” he told you, clearly flaunting it as he ran a hand through it, causing for you to laugh ever so slightly, shaking your head with incredulity.

“You’re an idiot, Steve.”

He had asked you out on a not-date during the thanksgiving break, inviting you out to an ice skating rink. 

“Is this supposed to be a date?” you teased him, knowing that the moment you got him to think that this was explicitly not a date would mean that you’d be able to keep your feelings for him under wraps. If he didn’t think this was a date, then you could think it wasn’t a date. Dating was complicated, and you didn’t want to make things complicated. You wanted to keep things simple, especially since he and Nancy had just broken up after nearly a year together. It’d only been a few weeks since then, and you figured that he needed longer in order to not make you seem as though you were “the rebound”.

If he was even interested in you in that way, that is.

“Pfft, no,” Steve replied, shaking his head and rolling his eyes. He deadpanned, asking quickly, “Why? Do you want it to be? Is that what you want–”

“I’ll go to the rink with you,” you tell him before he can finish his questions, not wanting to complicate things. “You’re paying, right?”

“Yeah,” he answered, and you nodded. 

“Cool!” you said, “So it’s a not-date.”

“It’s a not-date.”

Later, it turned out, that the “not-date” quickly turned into just a regular date – although neither of you had noticed it. You had had to hold his hand (clinging onto him totally in the beginning, but moving down to just his hand) in order to keep yourself from falling onto the cold ice (which you had already managed to do before an abundance of times; dragging him down with you every time). At some point, the songs that they were playing became more calm, more soothing, and before you knew it, they were playing specifically songs for couples.

Neither of you had noticed that everyone around you was a couple until you’d pointed it out, finding it odd that everyone had seemed to be in pairs–

And just like that, you fell yet again, this time with Steve landing on the ice before you, and you going down right after him. He attempted to reach out to catch you, which resulted in you collapsing onto his chest, the wind knocked out of both of your bodies as he winced.

“I am so sorry!” you said flusteredly, attempting to get up and off of him.

“It’s fine, I’m fine,” Steve said as you sat back on your knees, the skate only slightly digging into your back legs.

“Crap, I feel so bad,” you said, trying not to blame yourself but seriously failing. 

“Seriously, Y/N,” he said, chuckling as he stood up onto his feet, skates touching the ice once again. “I’m fine.”

You paused, chewing on your lip slightly. “Thank you,” you said in recognition of his efforts to catch you, which was at an expense to him.

“No problem,” he said.

December rolled around before you knew it, and Steve was up to something.

“Alright, what are you planning?” you questioned, narrowing your eyes as you sat with him during lunch at the local fast food restaurant.

“You’ll see,” he said, not giving away anything as he continued to write in his notebook.

“Ugh, can I at least have a hint? Something?” you asked curiously, hating not knowing about something.

“Okay, okay, here’s a hint,” he said, looking up from his paper to look at you. “I’m not telling you.”

“Steve!” you said in a clipped tone, smacking him on the shoulder gently. “You’re being dumb again.”

“Y/N, you’ll see, okay?” he said, “But I guess I can give you a little hint. I guess.”

“Okay, okay, what is it?” you asked curiously, raising an eyebrow.

“I’m gonna take my girlfriend out somewhere she’ll like,” Steve said coyly, and you felt your heart drop for some weird reason.

“Your girlfriend?” you asked, wondering when he and Nancy had gotten back together, and feeling slightly dumb that you hadn’t realized that he was dating someone before. It was dumb, but you had thought that you guys were–

“Oh, shit,” he muttered, bringing his palm to his forehead. “Crap. Forgot to ask.”

“Ask what?” you questioned.

“Y/N, will you be my girlfriend?”

“Okay, okay, wait, wait –” Steve said as he handed the envelope to you as you sat across from one another on his bed. “You read it.”

“Steve, you’re being a baby,” you teased him, taking the envelope from his hands anyway. “It’ll be fine, alright?”

“Yeah, but–” his face darkened with worry for a moment, and he forced a nervous laugh out. “Alright, I’m gonna go cry.”

“Alright, alright, don’t be a baby,” you said, practically tearing the envelope open. You pulled out the letter from inside, skimming past the Dear Steve Harrington at the top and searching for the magic words. As you expected, they were there. Just to mess with him, though, you looked back at him, your face falling ever so slightly. “Oh, Steve,” you said softly. 

“What?” he asked nervously. “What’s it say?” He grabbed for the letter, his eyes scanning the paper quickly.

“I’m sorry,” you said slowly, building his anticipation, “That you’ve been accepted to a nerd school!”

He looked back up at you, his eyes lighting up with happiness. “Holy fuck, Y/N! Don’t scare me like that!”

You laughed, “What? I told you, didn’t I? I knew you would get in!”

“Shit,” he muttered, a breathless laugh passing from his lips. He smiled at you, now, wrapping you in a bear hug. 

“You did it!” you say, rubbing his back reassuringly. “I told you so.”

He sat back away from you for a moment before pressing his lips to yours, his warm, soft lips coming into contact with yours. Still, just like the first time, you get goosebumps as you feel that electric feeling run through your veins yet again.

“I love you,” he laughed in between kisses, “So fucking much.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” you laughed with him, smiling as you wrapped your arms around the back of his neck, pulling him in closer. “I love you, too.”

You were pulled out of your thoughts when you heard a door close shut behind you just as you pulled the cake out of the oven, your eyes lighting up as you saw who was there.

“Steve!”

He had rushed to you and you had practically jumped into his widespread arms, him spinning you around as you pressed kisses all across his cheeks.

“Ooh, I missed you so much,” you said, still holding onto him tightly as he dropped you back down to the floor.

“I missed you, too,” he said, pulling the two of you apart for a moment so that he can look at you. “I still got the most gorgeous girlfriend in the world. Everyone else is dying of envy.”

“Shut up,” you laughed, pulling him down by the lapels of his shirt so that you can kiss him, re-familiarizing yourself with the softness of his lips. You missed this. You missed kissing him, hugging him, having him close by. “I love you,” you said softly, looking up into his eyes as you pulled away slightly, for nothing if not to stare at him. It had been so long since you’d seen him – since late September, maybe? At the start of the college semester? But now, now he was here, and you were together again, just like before. Just like always.

“I love you, too,” he said, cupping your face in his hands before pressing another kiss to your lips. He broke away from you for a moment to sniff the air, saying, “You baking?”

“Uh,” you glanced back to the purple colored cake which sat on the stove, cooling from having just been taken out of the oven, and you said, “Yeah. Didn’t get the chance to frost it, though–”

“No, no, we can do it together,” he said, narrowing his eyebrows as though it was ludicrous that you would do it alone.

“Yeah?” you asked, surprised at the offer. “Didn’t know that you liked to help in the kitchen.”

He shook his head, “Nah. With you, though?” He smiled, pressing a kiss to your forehead. “I’d do anything.”

a/n: thanks for reading! i love him and ended up making this longer than i thought, lmao. (and i made the gif but i digress,) if you enjoyed, please leave a comment / reblog!

tagging: @donnaatroy @keithstellations @dana-in-wonderland

[beccawastaken]

My life summarized Pt. 1...

I started this blog cause there is always so much in my head, it moves at the speed of light, some of it makes complete and utter sense, some of it sounds great til the very second it rolls off my tongue and then sounds nothing like it did in my head, some of it is just random nonsensical stuff that seems to have fallen off a stand up comedians cue cards and straight into the part of my psyche that prefers her own lyrics. It makes it very hard to focus on one task to completion, I even tend to put down my guitar and journal for months on end...so sad!

I must admit that I have worked my ass off to try to make some kind of sense of it all and now when I am unable to rather than let frustration take over I tend to find my random head ramblings amusing. I mean it is often a frustrated, shaking my head at myself kind of amusing but still...baby steps right? 

Sometimes the thoughts can be so intense and so rapid that its overwhelming and it takes every ounce of my strength not to scream til it stops. At its worst its almost like there are so many thoughts moving so quickly that it can sound like a constant high pitch buzz in my head. Super exhausting, and difficult to explain to those around you. People tell me to just go to sleep...ever tried sleeping with a shop vac on or inside a construction site? That would be comparable to this, plus, sleeping also isn't my forte so I’m double fucked so to speak.

The human mind and psyche intrigues me to no end. The way it works, and how the basic brain functions are the same across society yet our perception and the cogs and wheels inside each skull are as unique as our deoxyribonucleic acid. For each and every one of us, the way we tick can be vastly different from one another, from the person beside you on the bus, to that guy you’ve worked with for years to a lover or spouse and often really have no way of knowing. I mean how often do we turn to each other and say “can we talk about how your brain works?” We just take for granted that it does and don’t give it a second thought.(haha you will come to notice my love for puns)

Its the intricate differences between us that keep me interested in this self sabotaging species, I mean really, Earth doesn’t need humans to survive, in fact it may be better off without us! Who knows, what I do know is that while im here on this seemingly massive planet im going to make the most of it. 

I have a wicked sense of humour (ask anyone haha) and I enjoy messing with people (in a jovial way of course). Im talking like practical joke type of messing with people, light, innocent funny shit. I have been referred to as a brain ninja...I took it as a compliment, however, when you are on the receiving end its possible that it isnt nearly as enjoyable. I do my best not to be mean (I said I do my best, I am not perfect) cause you know, I’m no psycho, although some will attest to that statement not being true, I have honed my inner psycho and now only use her when absolutely necessary. Like if some douchelord crosses one of my angels or my grandson. Then my wrath should be feared, simple enough right? (WOW that escalated quickly! O_O)

I just do not want to waste my life, I spent so much of it not knowing how to handle daily life, assuming (naturally cause why wouldn’t I as a single child raised by someone that constantly blamed others and the world for her problems) that everyone’s mind worked the same, everybody deals with the racing and loops of thoughts you cant kick, or falls asleep with a song stuck in they’re head and wakes up and it starts again as if paused. Every morning. (Don’t drop that duh duh duh....grrr) For days! I mean doesn't everybody worry about every move they make, and lay in bed with they’re eyes closed trying to sleep and checking the clock twenty minutes later only to find SURPRISE, its been three hours! Or this relentless saviour complex I have, I can solve almost anyone's problem or at least help them find a path they are more comfy with but for years when it came to mine, I just couldn’t. This is just a few of the things i deal with or have been forced to deal with this life, Im sure i will touch on more. 

I have my children to thank for helping me learn how to deal with my version of life and not giving up on me when I know it would have been easier at times. (Dont drop that duhduhduh....ugh) I want to be honest in this blog, I pride myself on my honesty yet shy away from the darker, not so beautiful sides of who I am as if they don’t exist to the outside world. The thing is, I do not look sick, in fact I look great, besides a few extra pounds. My illness is not a physical one yet it has complete control from the inside out a lot of the time. I work very hard on a daily basis so I do not look like I am falling apart.

I feel emotions at a much higher level than the majority of humanity, I know this now. I don’t feel a lil bit of anything, if im sad, im so sad that even just being in my presence can break your heart. If something good happens and I feel a twinge of joy, I literally have to physically hold myself still sometimes cause it will surge like a lightening bolt through me and often some strange squeak comes out, fingers fully extended as if the energy just exploded form my core and out my extremities. Then, just as fast as it surges it disappears and there I am a woman bordering forty with this maniacal smile on my face like the joker and hair standing up like the professor from Back to The Future. Its quite a sight I am sure, and as much as it has been really hard to work with this side of myself I would rather be inside looking out and have to fix my hair then the onlookers forced to decide between the choice to ask if I am alright or back away slowly. Same with anger, although we have a bit of a deeper connection than other emotions, yea, thats right, we tight. Let me explain...or try;

I like to think my anger trigger point was when grandpa died, but looking back that is ridiculous, I was pissed at both my parents for what they put me through during the divorce but refused to take it out on them, they were in enough pain, they couldn't see it but i sure could.  When I am angry I scare people, I seem to fear nothing (not sure if that’s brave or not) and once I am angry there is no going back, I am completely incorrigible, illogical and refuse to listen. I have scared off men twice my size, not with violence of the physical kind, my verbal violence can be so articulated that I honestly think some people are scared to the core. I have shocked myself at times and thats not easy. Once I realized that I was growing into my version of the hulk I had to do something, I was starting to hate everyone and everything. 

I started replacing the empty yet extremely fucked up (for lack of a better word) threats with just simply making light of what it was that triggered me, albeit in an aggressive manner however it has proven effective in attempting to analyze what set me off and try to stop the rage fuelled rant.

I really wanted to give you an example but as I was trying to find one it proved difficult so im gonna call that progress. Anyway this venting became humorous to those around me, they all knew me so well that they would turn they’re heads and try not to laugh (ever been laughed at when your livid? its not cool, same as if are upset and someone says ‘calm down’ calm down, CALM DOWN?! like fuck off n all if you honestly believe im not trying, you think i wanna feel this way? like this is some kind of sick joke for me? pfft people!) in an attempt to not be caught in the crossfire of my verbal war. 

At first this angered me too (go figure, Hulkbitch) then one day, someone laughed and I took a step back and thought about what I had said and started laughing. Clearly my loved ones weren't laughing at my agony, but the words and descriptions i used to figure it out did tend to be funny. It takes a lot for me to get angry like that now, if I do tho, I still vent with sarcastic wit and make myself laugh to bring myself out of it. 

I think I have myself in line pretty well now, I guess I should give some history here, I was a very happy child on the outside but a ball of nerves within, my mother was extremely mentally ill (which i did not know til after her passing) and my father was a violent alcoholic. Luckily I was sheltered from the worst of what they put each other through as they separated when I was 2, but fought and fought and fought over me for nine years. My mum would insist dad never wanted me he just didn't want her to have me, said that I was never good enough in his eyes cause he wanted a boy. Dad, would point out the homeless lady pushing all her belongings in a shopping cart and say “hey kid, thats where your mum is headed, just you watch”. I know now they were just dealing in their own ways with what was happening between them but it really messed with me. 

My father, my daddy, quit drinking not long after the separation, i to this day believe that he did this not only for himself but for me, to show me that no matter what you can make changes, just gotta face the problem head on and deal with it so you can move past it. He was always a tough, vulgar, strong, stubborn, hilarious and short lil french man with an ego the size of Goliath. He taught me not to take shit from anyone if I believed in the topic at hand and to learn to turn a cold shoulder when needed. Emotions were not discussed, Im not even sure to this day if I can remember him ever saying I love you, but he didn’t have to, I know he did. 

Mum had her own ways of dealing over the years, she was all emotion, raw and uncut. She would always react first, think later, which meant she felt the need to apologize a lot.  For her mistake, for not being good enough, for not doing well enough this was so hard to watch. She would repeat the same self defeating patterns she had been doing her whole life and expecting things to change. Definition if insanity much? shitty part is back then they had no fucking idea what insanity was, nor did they care to look. Had someone just took her side and spoke for her she would still be here, if only she was honest with me about how sick she was, I may never have gotten as sick as I did. She thought she was protecting me...

This woman was the sun to my moon and I loved her more than words can ever express. She never believed me when I said it, she always said right up til the end that nobody ever loved her. I know this was not true cause I figured my dad wouldn't get so mad about stuff if he didn't care, the opposite of love is not hate, its indifference. Mum was always in and out of the hospital and it was super hush hush, I assumed she had cancer. I was petrified to lose her, so I didn’t ask questions, just waited.

The custody battle went on and on, I remember my dad pushing our 1970somthing car up the street for some reason, didn't phase me much. I just said “oh look theres my daddy, he looks mad!”. We went to Expo ‘86 in British Columbia and mum was subpoena’d to come back to the prairies for court immediately, so she had to leave her vacation just to go back and find out it was remanded.  They were both so angry all the time, I thought it was my fault...had I not been there there would be nothing left to fight about right?

Okay so divorce was finalized when I was 11...Grandma and grandpa (mums side) loved the shit out of me too, ive seen pics of gramma in the military which made sense as I grew up as to why she was so tough but she must have been retired by time I was born. They bought an old ‘70s van and converted it into beds in the back, a table and even a port a potty! They lovingly got personalized plates with my name and the number “2″ after it. They took really good care of me, always loved me and wanted what was best.

I remember around 10yrs old I realized my initials were B.S. and I was not impressed at all as not one word that came out my mouth (at that age) was BS. I was insulted and wanted it changed, plus I knew it would make mum happy if I changed my name to hers. The divorce was finalized my initials were changed to B.J....JUST in time for puberty, (woooooooo) yeah, didn't live that one down for a very long time.

My reason for bringing up my grandparents is so that you all know that aside from this somewhat bleak story thus far, I had many people that loved me, including mum and dad, they just preferred to fight about it. 

Shit, fuck, damn, I just had a memory, not a good one but I spoz thats why our brains block things out eh? I do not know how this came about, my mother was very abused growing up and it took a toll on her.  I remember mum and the  grandparents fighting, i remember gramma telling mum to get her head out of her ass and i remember trying to picture that...I was not going to be seeing them for a while til things cooled down.

Mum was sure that my grandpa had molested me, I am not going to say it didn’t happen but as far as I can recall my grandpa was the sweetest most loving man ever. anyway, mum was questioning me, yelling, badgering me and generally acting crazy i spoz, this was before I know what that looked like.  She kept asking inches from my face if he had done anything to me and i maintained that he hadn’t. Finally hours later I was tired and hungry and she was clearly still psychotic she yelled at me are you sure (for the millionth time) I finally yelled out “fine, he did it!” I had no idea what he had done, or when, cause i wasn't there i just wanted her to stop. She was making herself crazy and it broke my heart. I didn't see my grandparents again for three years. Grandpa had gone senile and was not himself, didnt remember close family members etc. When I got there, I ran in the house and we met at the doorway, me at the bottom of the entrance stairs and him at the top. I smiled, and he looked at me puzzled, then started crying, then laughing then crying. I was so glad he got to remember me. I missed him so much.

This was all before I was even a teenager. Grandpa died not long after he was put in a care home cause gramma wasn't able to care for him. His death was my first experience with such a thing, I had no way of knowing how to deal with a loss like this...so I guess I just didn’t.

[onlyjihoons]

boyfriend!jaehyun

ask:  I'm in love with boyfriend!haechan so can you do the same with Jaehyun and/or Mark and/or Ten (depending on how busy you are)? Please 💕 and thanks ❤ -anon friend

omg im so so so thankful you liked my bf!donghyuck au ahhh and i’m really sorry this took so long because it was the chinese new year holidays and i was visiting my friends and family and on top of that, schoolwork has been piling up since the common tests are coming up real soon,, i cri ;-; but my ask box is always open because after my homework is done i usually think of plots for my asks hehe ok im ranting too much 

pls give casper/jeffery lots of luv bc he’s rlly fluffy and i practically say this to everyone in nct but i nearly swerved into his lane at one point ngl

ok shall we start

let’s go

so there was once upon a time

where you moved to america for a period of time bc your parents were posted to work there

and this neighbourhood was super pretty like this:

and like

the neighbour beside ya’ll invited your fam into their house for a break

and they greeted you w loads of snacks:

and turns out they’re koreans being sent to america to work too

and like there was this shy boy hiding behind his mom

“yoonoh! don’t be shy!” you hear his mom nag

“...”

in the end his mom had to drag him

“this is yoonoh, he’s 6 this year”

and she got your mom get all excited like

dRaGgInG you too

“this is Y/N, she’s the same age as yoonoh!”

since that boy was so so shy

shy shy shy

you had to introduce yourself first

“i’m Y/F/N, let’s be friends yoonoh-ya.”

and he just sMiLeS at you

w those cute deep dimples

and you were shookt bc he wasn’t that shy boi anymore wth

then he just drags you upstairs to his room

to show you his Lego collection

and that’s where it all started

fast forward 8 years later

ya’ll were at your friend’s lil birthday party

and by now you guys were neighbours and best friends at the same time

so ya’ll played truth and dare w your friends

ok a lil back track here

there was one fine day when you and jaehyun were playing on the swing

and you noticed how handsome he was

like he was already cute enough

and your hormones whispering to you like

“he’s cute! go get him!”

you nod internally but another part of you stops yourself

“don’t do it you’re gonna risk your friendship”

so you just sigh to yourself and keep that crush on him to yourself

and you vented your feelings into your diary

you brought that diary to school

and left it on your table during recess

your other bestfriend not so innocently peeks into your sacred diary

bc she saw you acting more girly around jaehyun

and boom

she knew

so she told the whole class about it

except you and jaehyun

she also knows about jaehyun’s crush on you

thanks to his trustworthy friends

and she planned all of this on purpose

ok back to the party

when the pen pointed between you and jaehyun

ya’ll picked dare bc yolo

but

your friends dared ya’ll 7 minutes in heaven

they locked ya’ll in this attic

which was pretty cosy tbh

sat face to face w each other

and your defence mechanism kicks in

“more like 7 minutes in hell,” you scoffed

little did you know that you hurt poor woojae’s feelings

and his face turns serious like

“Y/N,”

“what”

“can i tell you something?”

“yeah sure”

“promise not to tell anyone”

“we’re best friends, yoonoh-yah.”

then he snapped at the word best friends

“i really hate it when you say that!”

and you were like whot is happening did i do smth wrong

“i really hate it when you label us as best friends”

then you thought he was being ridiculous

“then what do you want us to be?”

“i want you to be my girlfriend”

oH tHat’s when shit got real

you slowly shifted backwards

like so shookt

your crush actually like you back

your dreams actually came true

and you were like

“don’t try to make me feel better, yoonoh.”

and that’s when he leans in and kisses you

you guys’ first kiss awh

and after a few seconds he leaned his head against yours

“i love you, Y/N.”

and shortly after you hear whispers outside

“have they kissed yet?”

“omg what if they’re having that”

“ew no way!”

you and jaehyun laugh @ your friends bc they being silly

so ya’ll hold hand and prepare to get out when the door opened

and your friends saw ya’ll w hands interlaced

and they swooned omg

“awhhhhhhh!11111!!!!!!”

and cheeky jae:

i shall timeskip or i will faint

now ya’ll are like 18

jaehyun’s a trainee from SM

ngl you were super proud of him

ya’ll lived together while your parents stayed in america

you lived w jaehyun’s parents

and jaehyun ofc

on one condition

no hanky panky and the you know what i mean

you willingly obliged bc you aren’t that kind of person

but jaehyun was

only a tiny bit

bc you were so smol and kyoot

he felt the need to protect you at all costs

partially bc his height towered over u

and he didn’t want to disappoint both of ya’ll parents as well so

one day his parents went out of town to run some errands

and left ya’ll at home

the moment his parents stepped out of the house he pushed you into the store room

and:

i’m am a mark stan i’m a mark stan i’m a mark stan

and you were so shookt like WHAT ARE YOU DOING

you were retaliating but this boy has super human strength

and after a few moments he pulled away and 

“you had no idea how much i wanted to do that”

you slapped his chest and scolded him

“you do know that I live here under one condition right”

“but my parents aren’t home🌚”

“that doesn’t mean you can just-- nevermind”

and you just stormed out of the store room

but inside you were idk a mixed feeling

like your heart bbbeating so fast

yet you’re mad jaehyun broke the rules

jaehyun knows you liked it

lol

you slumped on your shared bed, staring at the ceiling

“babe?”

“go away”

“i know you liked it”

YES I LOVE IT ANNYEONGHAESEYO IOI IMNIDA

you just back faced him and ignored him

and then stupid jaehyun he joins you lying on the bed

“i didn’t know the ceiling was more good looking than me”

“i didn’t know you were such an asshole”

ooOHHH SIKE

jaehyun was dying internally bc damn you were so cute

then jaehyun hugged you from behind

“i’m sorry babe, did i make you mad?”

MAD LIFE MAD LIFE MAD LIFE

you finally turned to face him

“what do you think”

jaehyun resorts to aegyo

bc he knows you’re weak

“woojae is sooo sooooo sorryyyyy”

and you forgave him

you guys went on dates

like food dates

at home lololol

because why eat out when you have a masterchef at home

so instead ya’ll went on a grocery shopping date most of the time

jaehyun carrying you and plopping you into the trolley

people were staring at ya’ll overgrown kids

you screaming as jae pushes you at 100000km/h

the security nearly kicked ya’ll out

when jaehyun cooks you always hug him from behind

and he nearly burned down the kitchen bc you distract him

and him always sneaking those pieces of meat and feeding you before the dish is even done

and the end product was only left w 4 pieces of meat

when nct u was about to debut jaehyun had late practices

and he had lesser time w u

you were a little sad tbh

but you know his career is more important

esp if his company finds out he’s dating

that wouldn’t be a good thing

cough

and there was one day jaehyun didn’t return home

at least jae could drop a message that he was not coming home or smth

but he didn’t so you were riled up about that

you texted jaehyun a million times but he’s only read them

you were so annoyed at jaehyun ngl

then you received a text from taeyong

“we’re having our showcase tomorrow, jae really needs your support”

you were rolling your eyes and typed a haste reply

“what support? he doesn’t come home or drop me a message”

“i’ll have backstage passes for you and his parents, i’ll send you the link”

you made a mental note to yourself to attend it nonetheless

“did jaehyun bribe you to do this?”

“... no”

“pls tell him i’m mad @ him ok”

the next day you and his parents attended his debut showcase

and when you saw him perform you were so proud AHHH

you and his mom cried

after the showcase ended you went back stage

and jaehyun shows up with flowers

i couldn’t find jaehyun w flowers so here’s cuddly jae

“i’m sorry i kept you waiting babe, happy anniversary”

and then he pecks your lips right on the spot

the nct members were shookt

what jaehyun...why...

cue your cheeks flushing red

and jaehyun giggling cause u cute awh and hugging you

ok i shall end here

thank you for requesting omg

pls show jaehyun lots of luv

this is probably not on par w the rest of my boyfriend series

i will re write if its not up to standard,, sorry:(

ok anyway 

have a nice day/night ahead!💘

[tumblunni]

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa tfw u have another game idea AGAIN i think my brain hollowed itself out for more idea space at the expense of everything else like ability to actually create my ideas or ability to remember to eat :P

this kinda isnt a NEW idea, its just something floating around in my brain that ive now got more of a concrete idea for, i guess? playing Oxygen Not Included reminded me of it and made me feel maybe people would actually be interested in it, yknow? and its probably not something i could ACTUALLY make, cos it’d require like.. a lot of my own programming. not really easy to just make in a helpful gamemaker enginey thing like rpgmaker. tho it is an rpg... kinda...?? ehhhh im not feeling very good today, sorry my writing is... bad

ANYWAY WHAT WAS I SAYING

Well the idea I has was for kind of a roguelike tower climbing rpg, like Azure Dreams or Persona 3 The premise would be that there’s a mysterious underground civilization, trapped for generations with no memory of the surface world. Between them and sunlight is this potentially-infinate magical labyrinth that nobody has managed to make it through. (At least as far as anyone knows. Everyone wants to believe that friends who dissappeared in the labyrinth actually made it to the other side, rather than.. well.. the other side.) So the game would be about tackling this labyrinth in multiple short sessions. My favourite genre: roguelikes that actually have some form of progression in them! Even though you’re dying a lot, you retain a small amount of what you gathered each time in the form of townbuilding progressyness and ~friendship routes~ and ~ETCETERA~!

But then after playing Oxygen Not Included I kinda have a burning desire to see a game that has the good bits of that and not the... Frustration. To say its a roguelike without progression is understating it, gahhhhhhhhhh! Roguelike sim game of 8 hour game sessions that get destroyed cos of one stupid mistake and you have to be all perfect and lucky and YOURE ALWAYS STARVING and gahhhhhhhhh THIS IS MEANT TO BE MY GAME IDEA NOT VENTING ABOUT THAT GAME Anyway I was thinking how it’d be really cool if a game like that actually DID have a sense of progression. And an actual end goal. Like.. if you were actually digging towards the surface! With periodic savepoints and characters that dont die so easily and have more personality to them and you get all attatched! I already got all attatched to my dumb sim characters and then just got really upset how they kept dying and the game seemed to not give a shit :P

But yeah its not like I can just completely copy that game, lol. Even if I wanted to, I dunno how to program a simulation type engine thing from scratch! So i was thinking like.. a regular roguelike randomized dungeon generator actually IS possible in Rpgmaker, so I dunno.. I could find a way to make that work with some kind of ‘you are actually creating the dungeon’ type thing. i really like the idea of being able to dig your own path through the thing and have it permenantly etched there forever. I was thinking it could be an awesome idea if in the postgame you could come back to the now-empty labyrinth after everyone’s escaped to the surface, and be able to walk through it and have a big ol nostalgia trip. One that’d be unique to every player! And like.. maybe even be able to see changes, like it being reclaimed by nature and flowers? And you could upload a dungeon seed for your own personal dungeon, so that other players could play it, and that could be the postgame replay value~!

game name ideas i guess Catacomb Crawl Boundless Down

and I was thinking the protagonists could be two kids and be a grumpy older sibling who’s a jerk to their well-meaning-but-immature lil sib, but loves them deep down, and has to learn a lesson about becoming a more responsible sib, and etc like.. yeah.. basically inspired by over the garden wall i didnt really like that show, and i felt bad about it cos everyone was telling me it was a masterpiece. alas! :P aaanyhoo they’re not very developed yet, except older sib being a bit of a comical greedy coward type of person and lil sib actually being quite wise but always underestimated. Like, they have more common sense than their big sib even though they are a lil naive sometimes cos theyre so optimistic. Both sibs get each other into trouble pretty often, but they balance out perfectly to save each other each time! And lil sib is kind of a pushover who just obeys big sib unquestionably and can never stick up for themself when big sib is being all ‘ugh ur so immature im totally better'. They’re just like... the sort of person who’s so scared of their friends leaving them that they let anyone hurt them as much as they want as long as they stay. Very relateable to Bunni! Also they sorta try and pretend to be the dumb sidekick and class clown. Cos again theyre worried if they disagree or try and stand out too much then their sibling will hate them. Quite often their ‘dumb mistakes’ are actually the older sib’s fault, and they’re stuck like ‘AAAA I CANT TELL THEM TO STOP COS ITD BE OUT OF CHARACTER. I NEED TO BE THE CUTE BABY.’ And its all super complicated cos older sib acts like they resent them for never growing up too, its like.. cant ever win. This whole thing has kinda turned them into an anxious mess deep down. part of big sib’s whole redemption arc would involve them having to realise that their actions arent harmless, and treating such a young child this way actually has a permenant effect. And like... big sib doesnt know how to take care of little sib on their own because they’re immature themself! Being able to admit that instead of trying so hard to be all fake ultra mature and infallible, thats another big character arc. As well as aknowledging that lil sib is indeed growing up and becoming someone intelligent and independant. And realizing that the reason they keep putting them down is so they can try and deny that, and the reason they’re denying it because theyre JEALOUS! Jealous that little sib might have their emotions more alltogether than them, scared that their emotionless facade of perfect big sibness will be broken, and scared that without that they’ll have nothing left. Need to become more comfortable with trusting and relying on your lil sib, need to actually talk to them about this stuff, yo! Ideally I’m gonna try and write it in a way that doesnt make big sib seem like a completely hateable villain. Their backstory is gonna involve being from not exactly the nicest family, and both struggling to escape what they’ve been shaped into. And trying to learn how to take care of each other as a real family, when they have no real frame of reference for what real love looks like. And also climbing a bigass tower to save humanity from being entombed underground, but that’s comparatively easy, lol! But yeah the idea is that big sib kinda absorbed more of their bad parents’s ideals, and like... they love their sibling so utterly and deeply because they just did not know what family love felt like until they came along. And it really REALLY hurts them whenever they realise they’ve been subconciously being neglectful or hateful towards the lil fella, but theyre so distracted by like.. the greed of being free now. And doing anything and everything, drunk on that freedom! And not really being capable yet of caring about other people when they havent even learned how to care about themself. They keep being all decadent and delinquent and it seems like theyre egotistical but still deep down they HATE themself and this is all just like a ‘fake it til you make it’. And its so easy to get caught up and go too far to try and put on this facade, and they feel they cant really vent their real feelings to anyone. Cos they’re super cynical dont trust anyone except sibling loyalty like. Only way to survive! And like... cant talk about it with the sib either, because little kid wouldnt understand, and if they do then that means theyre not little anymore. They dont wanna ruin lil sib’s childish innocence cos like.. that innocence is their only reason to live. Innocent stupid bastion of family love, came into their life and gave them the courage to deal with those shitty parents gahhh! And part of them ‘knows’ that the only way to love anyone is to be deluded and innocent. You have to be too stupid to realise that the world is awful and everyone sucks and loving people just gets you hurt! And big sib is toooootally smart cos they know that life is meaningless. But they’re entertained by seeing a stupid person stupidly believe in optimism. Totally. Thats the only reason they wanna protect that innocence. Totally. sooooo basically imagine a very mentally ill mess of a preteen that’s curled up in the corner crying perpetually within their own mind, while on the outside they’re all HA HA I’M AMAZING, BITCHES And also imagine that bunni is able to write good enough to explain these damn characters aaaa im very tired im sorry

anyway summary: protagonist is a jerk, Character Development: The Game, you will cry for little sib whom is basically like penny from inspector gadget also I was thinking maybe this could be the one and only time I do the Amnesiac Protagonist Cliche Setup. eeeexcept not really?? well i mean I think it’d work cool if these characters were new to this setting, but I wouldnt actually do 100% amnesia thing I was thinking more like... they are the only two people who came from the outside world. And they just can’t remember how they got here, they wake up trapped in this place and everyone thinks theyre crazy for talking about being from somewhere aboveground. So you have an even more desperate motivation to escape compared to everyone else! I mean of course everyone wants to return to the surface, but its been so long that no-one remembers what it’s like, and so many attempts have failed that they’ve all given up. So you can act like a beacon of hope and lead the people even though you’re just a child. Like, this is about a morally bankrupt trash protagonist being dragged kicking and screaming into heroism, lol And of course we can have some good ‘ol mystery amnesia reveal type plot thingies! But without having to have a protagonist who’s COMPLETELY clueless, and a game beginning with no direction whatsoever. Its more like a ‘trapped in another world’ story except its the same world just a few thousand miles underground, lol. And revealing how exactly they got there and what they’ve forgotten is gonna be a plot, yes, but also there’s the bigger mystery of what on earth this doom labyrinth is and what caused these poor people to be trapped in it! And what they’ll even find when they finally reach the surface again, will it really be the sort of paradise they’re all hoping for? also many tears for sad dysfunctional tiny family of awkward childrens, ye also (hopefully) fun dungeon gameplays

so yeah bunni is tired and delirious and rambling Thoughts at you dunno if anyone was interested in any of this, but there you go!

[haeroniel-doliet]

dwhos here for another raaaaaant (vent)? topic is friendships but lets see where thisll go! waheyy let us insert the read more. 

kayokay okay welcome youre gonna regret this; if you havent read through my shitty vents before prepare for ilegibility and thought trains going all over the place and references to things and people youll never know okay great you got off this train? cool gives me more power to crash it see ya. 

okay where do we even begin, oh lets go wild and push out a couple topics first. one is; how shit has improved being uni and how everything seems awful brighter now; why it hasnt actually improved and im lonely as ever; how lonely have i always been; but am i really lonely or just think i should have more bc expectations; why im like this and cannot form relationships

lets start with a bit of a history dive eh eh this is what youre here for, me oversharing my life to nobody thatll read it but come on anyway bc one of the reasons i even fucking do these is because; ironically enough; i have no friends to vent this to!! nobody who actually gives a shit!! and even if they did i have a lot more words and confused thoughts to write out here that would just be really mean to inflict on someone else. 

ok so, classically as a kid ive almost grown as an only child, obviously have a big bro of 7 yrs older that i never formed more of a bond to than the one we share by sharing a family. aka we barely talk. but like i know he doesnt hate me i guess? ok im not gonna go there. its a weird mess. but. all childhood was mostly me playin by myself bc our family friends had kids his age not mine, and we moved around a bunch too and people came in and out, i guess i made ‘best friends’ pretty easily, but none stuck around longer than a year maybe 2-3. bc thats how life was and as a child i guess it wasnt a bother bc hey, let me be friends with everyone! oh but protective parents also mean mostly on my own. thats cool. im totally mature to be sitting at the adults table (there was no kids table) well early at 6-7. mhmmm 

lemme return to finland and start being an early awkward preteen! oh ill be friends with everyone! oh. everyone already has their best friend or best friend group? oh i get left on the playground alone ‘playing the dog at home while they go shopping okay playground games were lame but whaddyou do’ aight cool im okay with this theyre all my friends and im gona draw you all to make friends and nobody like actually bullies me or thinks im weird i guess, anyway school work. oh okay ill make best friends w my neighbour bc were only 7 days apart in age and thats crazy!! i guess we also make friends with lil girls next door bc were 10- 12 and thats what u do. sure. i feel rather criticised by my so called bff bc. we are not on the same wavelength, i feel dumb, im never as funny even if they are hilarious to me, i do gross things w out thinking (imagine having to be told by your friend that you need to buy deodorant when you never thought abt it) and like a bunch of other stuff like not picking up on social cues they dont wanna hang out with me or they dont think looking at funny pictures on the phone is fun... oh okay i mean i guess theyre way better than me but were still friends right? uh yeah. 

okay lets take a gap and go to uk, oh wow, SHIT people actually miss me at home?? im making friends with all these kids in my neighbourhood! oh i can be like the movies where they go down the street and hang out and have movienights awesome! who this is the best! fucking halloween w other 13 yr olds?? having hobbies w them? walking to the bus together and home together?? mad. wild. friends. lets ignore the school consisting of pricks and the only time in my school career ive gotten bullied. like classic bullying. pens thrown at me, butt touched, skirt lifted, name called, teasing my ‘naivety’ (do you work at the dildo factory? haahah. are you frigid? would you have sex with me if i bought you a burger?) oh 13-14 yr olds....  ok no its a wild really good and really shit year combined into an okay year. let me just return home and promise to keep in touch and really very barely keep in touch with any of them. thanks instagram for enabling minimal contact and keeping up w each other. 

(also back then made my first post cryin to tumblr oh why cant i have tumblr besties like everyone else seems to, please someone be my internet buddy! lucky enough actually talked to Amelia a lot, though...... 14 yr old and abt 20 smth. but we played minecraft together and made two shit youtube videos of our competition participation like. you were a good friend to me. never pushed it too far and i really liked having a mature friend. such a shame you seem to have disappeared off the internet (anywehre i know how to reach you) bc hell, i would not have been opposed to meeting you finally irl at fuckin mcm like i always kinda wanted to bc i saw ppl online do, anyway i hope ur life is good and thanks) 

kay so, finally back home weve all moved past the best friend cliques okay okay my class is actually fuckin rad like whaddu you know i dont have to aggressively swear and avoid hugs anymore (self defence from that shitty year) but actually have all these wholesome friends, ofc there were stronger relationships between some people but! i was included. i felt good. it was good. i figured out this being everyones friend thing. im a proper teen now eh. oh but i still had my best friend (briefly moirail) maxx! talking everyday at least for least half an hour if not more, skype calls... watching movies together... sending shit to canada and that one mail i got from you and planning so hard a visit there, even if it felt unrealistic. maybe even spending too much time on you and not making as many connections to my class friends as i could have, u know. stuck on my phone to always be available to you. making you more important. dunno how often id talk thru a crisis in class or however late at night bc, i wanted to be there for you! i loved being needed and being an important piece in moving thru tough times. sure detrimental maybe irl but i was being too much online anyway which i still do but were not there yet. besides, that relationship has had a bit of a roller coaster in the past nearly4 yrs (is it more?) shit that started from an rp and then slowly talking more to being moirails to being the tightest best friends “momma” and all, to your irl friends breaking it up slowly, then a boyfriend really took oyur time and we didnt talk daily lt alone ever get to call bc... shit. okay but i was friends with your boyfriend and though i saw it wouldnt last i was okay with it, like right cool thats teh boyfriend and im the bestfriend. im still involved. yeah man. oh you broke up and now talk more to me! fuck yeah. ill take your side in this regardless. lets get close again even if its not quite the same. i try join your cosplay groups though i cant help feeling me joining killed them, and i followed some you were passionate on! drew all those rad characters of you and your friends to feel adequate and appreciated. then you ad your drama, hated this kid and i wasnt even rly involved. all of a sudden, tight friends, oh i get to be in a chat w you both and a rad other person i had a mild crush on! rad. hell yeah. ive never been in a groupchat like this! this is great i love it. and the vikings came up. and your new friend left bc i was a cis girl and he has problems and could not deal with me not agreeing with his shit argument. (about my countrys history!!)  anyway. they make their groupchat, groupchats die. oh. great i ruined it. okay. i no longer know whats in your life.... oh youre best friends now? i kind of have to bug you to even get added to your ‘friends page’ as dumb as it is. i get knocked right aside as hes the bff and the greatest sweetest person ever even though he still seems like a major dick and even your cool older friend agrees with me..... a load of bullshit and weve drawn apart to barely talking once a week and ive still sent you many gifts bc i think its great! until.  yeah i wasnt gonna send anymore till you promised to set me up with cosplay pieces for christmas and i freak out to send you smth in return (never got more than measurements from me, and due to shit timing i didnt even get to be there for you opening the presents which fuckin ruined it) but whats this? a year on im fucking coming to america and conviced my parents to also go to canada???? fucking insane. still we dont talk much, the plans werent like i expected but i met you and the cool older friend! amazing! it happened! youre real! i brought you more gifts and i got pictures with you and its, it doesnt feel real still. i keep the fucking bus ticket i took from toronto to guelph to remind me. sure i didnt like get much from you back and thats kay different monetary situations and all and yeah. wild. oh but we still barely talk after? no its ok i get it youre not that good with texting people anymore (even if you kept texting you bff while i was there.... like. maybe he was having a crisis i can understand but... please you barely talk to me anymore and now amazingly im there and. you still talk to him a lot. okay...)  ‘ew were not dating were just best friends!” a month later becomes ‘this is my boyfriend and bff i love him more than anything else in the world” ‘oh but hes absolutely a huge mean prick who is super self centered and manipulative,’ and i guess you needed to feel needed like i did and dedicated everything to this shitstorm of a human but. okay... weve drifted apart further, till i demanded thru to your discord (not even active anywhere else) and try damn hard to still talk to you. but its just not genuine. i wanna talk abt important shit to me and worries about myself, but life is difficult on you and i dont feel like you do the same to me so i cant. is it no longer part of our relationship? i guess) 

anyway chapter; who the fuck cares; why i feel i can open up to internet friends more than irl ones;;coming up, the other irl exploits after 9th grade. 

internet friends are based on talking over text and emotions that come up in the moment and contacting them whenever. with irl people, ive always set a sort of boundary that like. our quota of talking is irl. i might message you online but its strictly related to irl things or smth we discussed irl, u feel? even then i mostly never message anyone (thank the two friends in uni ive talked to more than anyone else) but still. theyre people i will unload burdens to IRL when im sitting with them for hours talking about our fucked up relationships with things and life and thats beautiful. but its not consistent through life? like rn all this shit. i cant just go and vent tto you (i guess i could but who knows if youre mad busy and needa be up early tomorrow or are already sleeping or have other shit on your mind, let alone would be offednede by me being so explicit abt me feelings w friendship u being my friend.) anyway, internet friends have broken that and sometimes i talk abt dumb shit ive seen that remind me of them or i wanna get a reaction from someone about and sometimes this bullshit. but more recently, (my discord has fuckin 3 ppl) i cant. i mean. idk if ever could and now theyre just being better w themselves but i cant? Ana tries being a friend and a good online friend but. i cant take it any deeper than like, look how cool this is! yeah that is cool bc theyre exhausted and dont wanna deal w others bullshit and dont want me to deal with theirs bc theyre online to avoid it. all of which i understand but. its kind of hard to deal with. like. youre currently only passionate about your gays in southpark. two things i dont care bout jack shit (actually hate south park idec) and then your response to me just like contemplating quizzes or the way i felt in the mirror at ballet or like smth that comes up to me when im talking abt normal shit, i get an ok, i dk how to respond or, i dont really care. and wildly i love the honesty, and glad to have lines drawn for me when i dont see them, but it always feels like a smack in the face regardless. having stepped out of line and not having realised and stopped before they had to tell me to stop. like it was w that old neighbour bff. i could never tell when she wanted me to leave her alone or smth bc i was having fun! but shed be tired of it and it just. always hurt realising i was too wrapped up in emotion and myself to realise i was annoying or overstepping boundaries and im still terribly self concious about it bc i feel terrible being a bad person like that! i wanna be the perfect friend.ugh. 

the other people on my discord are maxx and the cool older canadian dan, who still is rly cool and admirable. and i feel bad. bc when i first got the dumb thing i talked to him like adults! yea! talked abt maxx and a bit of college and a bit of life and like. it was good! he said good night friend <3 which is like!!! the most wild and exciting thing it fuckin exhilirates me to be called friend in converstion like please fuck validate me being your friend!!!! (god isnt that sad and basically gonna sum up this whole thing) anyway recently im sure things have been sad or busy or hes just that kinda person but my last 4? attempts for convo have gotten no response, even when hes online (supposedly when its ok to message him) and i no longer want to say anything unless its smth im sure id get a response to. bc then im just buggering and annoying the poor guy and become annoying. (even if hes said he doesnt mind and thinks im a great person. i hope) and maxx u know. i can message, and i do, and now more than in a rly long time i- oh my god i get responses!! still they cut short. theres no, hey sorry i dont care or, hey i gotta go, or hey i dont wanna talk abt this, just. no more responses. and i guess my conversational skills are rusty and i havent written anything thatd get an easy response from them! (but stilll, should talking to friends rly require you to formulate conversation starters and talk in a way that doesnt provoke too much but is just easy enough for them to respond briefly and with no investment to make talking to me easy as possible? idk even iguess? maybe im shit at having friends and thats why i have none. shush.)

okay lets head back to irl. high school was shitty weird thing, around 10 ppl in class and i only made friends w 3? got bullied for a good couple days on a trip by 1 and another class person. terrible trying to make friends and keep friendly with everyone in a tiny school but i managed and alls good, and even still, just made friends with the most compatible people, not sure if id have been friends with otherwise. one a nervous wreck of a boy that the teacher tried to like ‘ship us together with’ but while he had a girlfriend and we managed to keep conversation joking and chill (as it should be and i made good sure of it) it was fine, he still like i a very girlfriend oriented person and i guess doesnt chat much online w other girls? im cool with it, a couple snap updates on life here an there its whatever. youre an anxious person anyway and we dont always like. work as friends. another was from japan, who id decieded to make a friend if only to have a friend in japan to visit and to teach me a bit (and teach us to make food! okay im so glad we were friends) and at school it was great enough. helped her get confident in speaking english and correcting work and sitting together at lunch and hanging out outside of school on the rare occasion schedules lined up was fab! i actually am gonna miss her. even if we werent close. and i feel bad bc idk if she wants to keep in contact, and i really suppose i should just aim to write her like a text once a month or so to keep in touch thatd be good, cover that. keep up english and so on. maybe (ps old friends from childhood pop up every now and then on social media and have the rare chat which is quite nice actually! even if im not active or keep them updated, some realtionships i like to leave lukewarm and not hateful but smth thats easy to catch up with if opportunity comes up. i actually can do that quite a lot, make good conversation and feel friendly and make acquaintances. i just. have no idea how to push them to proper active friendships (it just happens sometimes by accident) and no absolute clue how to make htat into a very close “bff we share everything i can message you whenever” kinda relationship classic media like facebook portrays idk. do i need it? i guess not but i kinda wanna know what thats like bc relationships are not a thing for me. lets make that its own paragraph) oh but also on old school friends my frustration of a few days, just. a friend that is the easiest to keep in touch with bc they intitiate and have time and want to do things, but god its annoying and i dont like them. our humours dont align and i feel judged and criticised and like. idk. dont feel great w them. theres moments of like genuine “im glad i met you bc i would have switched schools otherwise” from her and a jar of reminders why were friends and some good memories, but its just. she drains me. and i dont wanna talk deep w her. and though to some other friend it seems like we are heckin dating in secret bc of how comfortable we are and how much we end up communicating to organise things, uhm were not. i wouldnt date her ever im sorry. struggling to stay friends and have it fade to the background amicably before i do or say smth wrong and fuck it up. anyway its just bugging me and i hate it bc i feel bad for her and bad for myself and its just a mess that i dont wanna deal with that mucheven if i talked my parents ear off about it.

ok intermission to parents. in a way no. no fuck they are not my friends. my mom will never be my best friend and i dont think they want that either,being classic parents and allbut i guess, sometimes when i get past the ugh youll never understand youre so god damn annoying!! teenage phase my brain still has, i do talk to them about a lot of things that upset me, bc unlike friends, they cant decide not to care about me or stop talking to me u know. i have vented about shit practices that have really tested my self worth and lack of emotions (remind sobbing like a bitch with a mud covered ass walking home from a terrible skating practice and falling in the rain) and mom comforting thru it. mind telling them all the pent up feelings abt flatmates and analysing them to her like”well shes rly nice and we talk abt this and this but i cant help but feel she doesnt really wanna talk to me and also they didnt wanna hang out and they keep leaving their dishes and told me to clean mine but they did this and that and....” i never talk about internet friends or a lot abt other things bc. not relevant and i dont think id hear what i wanna hear. but im kinda glad i still can do that and vent to them abt like real life things and things that upset me even if its not exhaustive and i cant do everything and they dont fill the gap of this “true best friend” i have emulated. but thats a point of why im not rly lonely. bc i have outlets to a lot of these needs that im not missing it all . just dont have it all in one person or even a small group of ppl.

wht next. oh remind me to come back to group things online. anyway lets give uni a try. so weve talked abt my two impressive friends irl who take the same course as me and kind of have dragged me thru and have gone to hobbies w me and hung out w me for hours and actually come to visist me in london an been cool? yeah theyre pretty rad people and very smart and im glad theyre in my life. even if w al the ranting im not comfortable messaging them all hours of the night to talk abt all my insecuritites and thoughts and problems u know. and one is dating and both have flatmate drama and other groups of friends and tho theyre friends between each other we dont like. make the ultimate trio which is why were not moving in together ( also reminder to being called the 3 musketeers w my high school two gals bc we were seein kinda doing everything together (in school) by me sticking us all together with my “i need to feel validated with friends” glue. that was quite nice.) 

but like in uni, ive said it to a lot of people. its amazing. ive never been happier knowing this many people. i dont make drama, i almost never get included in any drama so all i get are friends!!! and having flatmates, and flatmates friends, and class mates, and people ive just met , and hobby friends i just knew so many people thatd be friendly to me and even smile at me in passing it feels great man. having multiple group hobbies and socials to go to (even if i dont drink much and its not like were partying) it feels good man. i want more of this next term now that i have no”i dont know anyone there” excuses. god i love it. i love waving to people i know, i love getting a ride from someone to go hang out t another friends place and people knowing me by name and caring about my presence! (though not too much, like nobody would miss me i guess, but i still have more of a place to carve and i cant say for sure that they did not notice me missing) anyway archery has been terrbily wholesome and one of the best things ive invested time into and im sad some of the happy faces there are leaving this summer....... and sure none of these friends have gone even to proper hugging levels, let alone talking together without a group of people or god, messaging privately if not strictly club stuff (ok theres like, a couple, one that im delighted about and cant wait to hang w in finland even tho theyre cooler than me)  but u know, same problem w. hm were friends within this hobby group. were not like. actually friends outside of this and wouldnt hang outside of it. uh. yeah. dont rly have that many that kinda friends..... just 2 in fact. ill work on that.... 

side note, i try joining in online groups like mxrp discords, and an odd skype chat for homestuck cosplayers. but its kinda the worst. i dont mind observing and reading in and commenting in my head and rarely actually participating tho nobody knows who i am, but like. nobody knows who i am or cares if im there at all. and its kind of a not great feeling. im not needed or wanted here. they just dont mind me being there u know. idk wht to do with those feelings. i dont really wanna make myself obnoxiously present and make people remember and want to talk to me and actually become immersed in it, bc these dont seem like that great people idk. i guess im too  ‘mature’ to just go omg i love you an all that. 

anyway lets dive into hmmmmmm  why am i still lonely? funny question eh. its because i have no consistent close relationships with anyone. have i ever? maxx was closest but i guess nawh here we are. i can get close to u in a night of just talking for hours but. if it doesnt carry through consistently does it count? i have a couple people to message when im delighted abt smth (heck even post to snapchat to get those lukewarm friendships to be reminded of me) and i have my parents to be sad to about a certain category of things that i share w them (like hobby frustrations and friends theyve met frustrations, and some body upset) i have this hunk of friends in uni i can hang out and chill with and will continue making better friends with gladly. im not an isolated herrmit (all the time) nor do i think im socially despicable. im just. normal. online ive felt more and more as much as i spend my entire day online w all these things im not an internet person??im not always posting on social media, im not always talking to 10 ppl at once, im not writing or creating media, im not consuming other than youtube actually, (like i dont watch shows u knw) , all i do is rp when i muster the strength and hang out lukewarm on tumblr posting rants and reblogging pretty and fun things, not getting involved much. not a fan of anything, not obsessed w anything, not overtly gay ( i dont even know what i am but girls are pretty and sex and relationships get gross as soon as you add me into the picture) and not an exciting personality. hell. i currently fuckin like ballet and archery and like. thats about it. (also hahahhahh catch me going down the abc list of hobbies, aikido, archery, badminton (w archery ppl) ballet. what next. cricket? crochet... cooking? dance (ballet) fencing gaming (hah no), hockey? ice skating ( im already doing it) like look at me anyway shh) im not trans and i dont feel gay enough to fit in (what a rant that is, but im just ignoring it for now) im so boring. too reational, too uninvolved, too unopinionated/have an opinion but prefer to keep quiet and at peace. i guess this is what normal people are like off the internet. and ill just deal with it. but how normal people fill the gap are these ridiculously idealistic bff groups that i clearly dunno how to achieve, and uh. relationships.

so i can foresee a future where an imaginative foggy figure will care about me so much and want to hear all these rants and talk about all my wild thoughts with me and love me and remind me of it and be happy around me and think im funny and make me feel good and loved and better than i am and be someone i love being aorund constantly and wont have to feel self concious with or like i need to be putting on the front that is not gross and is a lovely sociable person. like i doubt they even exist. the kind im specifically thinking off thatll make life a sunset gold and unbelievably happy and good. ill save that sunset gold feeling to my dream future, one in which im happy with my body and personality and have that shadowy figure that makes me all whole and better than im alone and all these pets and animals that i love and love me and plants and color and art and whimsical decorations and yknow. i see it in my head. it feels real good. i kinda wanna see if itll actually happen. it just. it feels so fuzzy and warm and i would love for that actually be real and look back on this and be like. i have it. everythings complete. we can dream. i might get it when im grey and old and all alone but found smth that makes it that good. anyway im not discounting that there might be ‘the one’ in that future, the perfect one. but. i still doubt in the present when or if ill ever meet them let alone if i do htat anything would happen. ive never ever dated anyone or even come close to it. i dont understand how people just, end up in relationships or almost always have one, and i guess im not trying to bc idk if i want it-  idk if im ready for it, but its a weird one ill tell u. i feel with this perfect imaginary figures all these bad feelings would go away and i could talk about them and someone help me fix them and become more and better than my thoughts. but i dont wanna look for one. i dont wanna experiment in relationships so that im ready and wont fuck it up when the one comes bc, its horrendous and stressful and im gross! im not dating material. nah. and obviously nobodys tried to date me so were all on the same page. honestly once i sort out the other things wrong w me, i might just get to therapy for this shit. like. why are relationships such a shit concept to me and like why and how do i deal with it without just saying fuck it relationshipss are not for me. i have no doubt ill keep making connections and friends throughout my life in all different random places, but im actually... kinda afraid none will stick around. if i cant form consistent strong friendships theyre al gonna fade away and ill have nobody when i need someone. having that one solid person would really help bc theyre there thick and thin i guess aparently. i have myself, but considering what a mess i am idk if thats enough at all. i think i should change myself an awful lot though before a relationship could happen. like. nobody wants a barely showering fat chubby in an awkwardway terrible skinned messy sad blabbery person. like. just a gross one. i gotta become so much better before i can even consider letting someone past to get this close i guess. i guess. these feelings are really not settling here and i feel off the rocker. like unsettled and uneasy. also i need to pee which is rly not helping feel less gross. that and my hair is nasty greasy bc rather than take a shower at a reasonable time i did.... nothing. and then i started writing this an hour, two hours ago? more? idk. 

kay then, we have reflected briefly while i was away on how fat and ugly i am and how hopeless considering ive been trying to finish a knitting project for my baby cousin and start drawing again or even just playing my old pokemon game (yknow summer vacay) things in the past few days. nawh. havent. even more productively i should have done actual exercise to build my stamina and make faster improvements in ballet and actually try and tackle the fat and ugly feeling in 8 weeks (but that like... requires diet control... which is hard?) and like o u know. finishing my fucking university course ive lied to everyone abt? ok lets be real i have passed the year and can move into the next w the credits i have and passed all the mandatory classes. but. i want/ need to pass this class. and i already forked out 30 pounds hopefully correctly to apply for a resubmission (more like first submission) of all these projects and its hard. considering in my hirearchy of shit that needs to be done (easiest most necessary first)  i havent even reached the first ladder of like washing my nasty hair. the ladder includes all the above projects and at the end of it is like completing that course (needs to be done by the end of the month u kno bitchh. u dont know how long its gonna take you cannot leave it to the last few days. and this other bulshit course idk if ill even get credit for completing late and dont know if i care but i guess i gotta do it anyway 

basically i just wanna d ie. thatd be nice. id not have to feel fat and stupid and worthless and discomfrot in my own skin and just. nasty and numb but bad all over. okay im really not feeling great bout now. but thanks to all the above weve realised i have nobody to talk to whod talk me out of these feelings and comfort me (let alone if im capable as a person to accept that considering theyd have to be very convicing to get past me going “mhmmm but youre wrong” ) 

anyway this has been terribland i havent achieved anything but feelin kinda bad. we have covered that ive never had proper friendships and that might be detrimental to me ever forming the kind of close companionship i seem to be missing, however at least i can make easy friends briefly and as such know im not a terrible person thru and thru that people hate. i just dont know how to cross that nd not be horribly annoying or how to find those kind of people bc shit and bullshit. do i need it? no i guess ill be fine. would it make my life better and more worth it? probably. id hope so. i mean it seems pretty important in human existence for there to be so damn many songs and movies and aboslutely everything focused around it. 

anyway. i know nobodys gonna finish reading this and i kinda hope i dont read back on this either. my cringey diary moments hidden under a readmore on tumblr. whats sadder.... tsk who wants to figure out how many words this all is? 

mhmmmm mmm 7 pages on word and 6059 words. damn gurl. no FUCKIN WONDer nobody wants to talk to me about my thoughts and feelings when they just erupt. bc even by erupt i mean a mild discomfort that im trying to pin down to a cause and an actual feeling so and so unsuccessfully.